Transform Your Talks
Four Tips for Better Connections
Have you ever had a confrontational talk with someone that made you feel like you didn’t even share the same planet? You’re not by yourself. A recent study found that 70% of employees try to avoid having tough talks. However, avoiding conflict is bad for your health and the culture of your company. Also, it costs a lot. US companies lose $2 trillion a year because of inadequate communication at work. Journalist Charles Duhigg’s new book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, explains why having good talks is so complex and gives you tangible, science-based ways to get your point across.
Connecting is the most important thing you can do to communicate well. Science keeps showing that connecting with other people is essential. Healthy and happy people have ties that help them work together, come up with new ideas, and include everyone. And talking to each other is how people connect. The best way to keep society civil and valuable in a split and polarized world is to be able to talk to people who don’t agree with us.
Duhigg writes that the most meaningful talks are those in which we’re willing to learn from others and try to understand their points of view fully. The goal is not agreement but being open to hearing and thinking about different points of view. His examples are tricky: heated arguments about gun control, racial tension, marital problems, and racial differences in war-torn neighborhoods. We avoid these kinds of talks, mainly because we need to learn how to start them.
In an interesting book full of valuable ideas, Duhigg suggests four ways to completely change how you talk to people and ensure that the conversation helps everyone understand each other, even if the problems are tough.
Talk about your plans and goals.
Imagine that your angry child comes home from school, upset about something that happened with a friend on the playground. He wants to sulk, but you tell him what to do. “Would you rather be heard, helped, or hugged?” is an intelligent question that has been used for a long time. Ultimately, the child is angry, and the door is slammed. Duhigg tells us that this is not just an excellent question for kids; it’s a great question for everyone. Having two or more different goals is the fastest way to get a talk off track.
Duhigg talks about three kinds of chats that help people learn. The first is a practical talk about making a choice. It’s based on the need to do something, whether tactical, educational, or strategic. He calls this the “What’s this really about” talk. The second one is an emotional one (“How do we feel?”), and it could be the hardest. It brings up a hot topic that needs people to keep their cool. Emotional conversations can be about tough family problems, divisive political issues, or difficult performance reviews. The third type is about how people see their social identities. These involve very different points of view based on experience, schooling, and upbringing. A lot of the time, these “who are we” talks at work are about DEI. One talk doesn’t usually fit neatly into one of these groups, but knowing what each one is helps you go into any conversation with the right frame of mind.
Prepare the Ground
It does not matter what kind of talk you are having; you must prepare. This step is often missed, but it’s frequently the only way to determine what everyone tries to do. Duhigg says that this can be as easy as having people write down what they want to achieve. When people make their goals clear, they set the stage for better results, especially when they need to make a practical decision. This is true whether they want to decide, explore their options, or have an open-ended thinking session.
Being ready in emotional and social situations may be even more critical. Figuring out what people want lets you figure out their goals and feelings. When this happens, planning means taking the time to talk about the pros and cons of the conversation ahead of time, such as why this topic is important, what will be gained, what could go wrong, and what each person will do if the conversation gets heated. People are much less likely to go into dangerous ground if they think about and agree to these rules beforehand.
Carefully listen and ask good questions.
Duhigg talks about a well-known study that became popular after an article in The New York Times called “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.” A group of therapists explored whether asking deep, emotional questions could help two strangers connect more quickly. One pair got married because of how well their questions worked. But even the pairs that weren’t married built quick, trusted relationships by asking each other questions that got to the heart of their feelings and thoughts. It turns out that feeling the same way can spread and lead to a deeper bond.
To be able to feel these shared feelings, you need to ask good questions that are deep and open and create new ideas. Duhigg says, “vulnerability is the difference between a shallow question and one that opens the door to an emotional connection.” Being vulnerable is integral to a learning exchange because it lets people feel and connect.
But to ask someone to be open, you have to listen carefully and show that you are listening. He gives you a powerful method called “looping for meaning,” which will help you listen better and comfort the person you’re talking to. You must first ask a profound question and listen to understand the answer. There are two more important steps to looping for meaning, though: repeating what you heard in your own words and checking to see if you got it right. These last two steps help you learn more (because you have to pay attention to repeat someone’s point) and show that you are interested in getting to know the other person better.
Learn to read the clues that aren’t words.
Terence McGuire, a psychiatrist working for NASA who was interviewing people who wanted to be astronauts, had difficulty finding emotionally intelligent people who could work together in small areas. He tried something new. He told stories that were sad, funny, and sometimes very personal. He also paid close attention to how an application responded, like whether they laughed or showed emotion. They matched his conversational energy by showing the proper emotional response to his stories. This was a strong and reliable sign that the pilot would be good at reading people and keeping their attention. McGuire’s success rate went through the roof after this plan worked.
Like dancing, having a good talk is fun. It takes two to tango, and the conversation falls apart when only one person talks. It makes a big difference to match mood and feelings, whether it’s a business meeting, a heart-to-heart, or a heated argument. It’s not about agreeing with what someone says; it’s about having the same awareness, energy, and feelings as them. The catch is that matching is not the same as copying; it is attunement. You need to pay attention to both what and how someone is speaking. It means meeting them where they are, giving each person a chance to be heard, and conversing with them. It takes care and a lot of compassion.
Supercommunicators have a simple but important message: you need time, purpose, and practice to have good conversations, even if they are hard. And even though Duhigg’s book makes it sound like these are skills you can work on by yourself, they’re not. Communicating well is a journey of building skills together. You can’t use a screen to work on these skills. The most important thing about having talks is that they are messy, emotional, and often loaded. Putting yourself out there in real-life talks is the only way to get better. You’ll do things wrong. But with these tips and the help of some other travelers, it will get easier. You can also learn to communicate very well.
Related articles from your friends at Your Career Place
https://yourcareerplace.com/leadership/how-to-inspire-your-group-when-youre-feeling-unimaginative/
https://yourcareerplace.com/career-management-tip/how-to-be-a-great-employee/
