freedom

Many people struggle with the urge to please others, feeling burdened by the weight of everyone’s expectations. In this blog post, you’ll discover Oliver Burkeman’s perspectives on breaking free from those people-pleasing habits that can trap you in worry and anxiety. You’ll learn how to shift your focus from trying to keep everyone happy to prioritizing your own needs and values. At Your Career Place, we believe that embracing your individuality can lead to a more fulfilling and authentic life. Let’s explore how you can unlock your freedom today!

Key Takeaways:

• People Aren’t Always Thinking About You: A lot of times, we stress ourselves out worrying about what others think. But the truth is, most people are too busy dealing with their own stuff to be obsessed with your actions. For example, if you don’t reply to a friend’s text right away, they might just assume you’re busy—not that you hate them!
• It’s Okay to Let Others Handle Their Feelings: When someone gets upset with you, it doesn’t have to be your problem. Sure, you might care about them, but their feelings are ultimately theirs to manage. You can still be kind and supportive without taking on their emotions. Think of it like this: just because your friend is sad about a bad grade doesn’t mean you have to feel bad about it too.
• Choosing Your Consequences: Life’s full of choices, and every choice comes with consequences. You can decide what’s worth it for you. Say you’ve got a family dinner but really wanted to hang out with friends instead. You choose the dinner, but that means you’ll miss out on hanging out with your friends. It’s all about weighing your options and accepting the outcome, which is totally something we help with here at Your Career Place!

Understanding People-Pleasing

While many of us want to make others happy, people-pleasing takes it to another level. It often means you worry too much about what others think and go out of your way to avoid disappointing them. This can lead to saying “yes” when you really want to say “no,” or feeling anxious at gatherings because you think others might not enjoy your company. When you’re caught in this habit, it can feel exhausting and unpredictable, just like the rollercoaster of emotions Oliver Burkeman describes.

Definition and Characteristics

On the surface, people-pleasing is all about putting others before yourself, even when it hurts you. You might find yourself constantly seeking approval from your friends, family, or co-workers. For example, you may always agree to help with projects or change your plans to fit others’ needs, even if it means sacrificing your time or interests. You might even avoid conflict at all costs, thinking it’ll make everyone happier, but really, it just builds up tension.

Psychological Roots

Behind the tendency to please others is a mix of feelings, like fear of rejection and the deep desire to be liked. This behavior often starts in childhood, where many of us learn to seek approval from parents or caregivers. Even as adults, we may find ourselves replaying old patterns, trying to earn affection from bosses or friends. (Recognizing these patterns is the first step towards breaking free from them!)

It’s important to know that these habits often stem from wanting to avoid uncomfortable feelings, like disappointment or anger. You might feel like if everyone is happy, your life will be easier, but it can lead to real stress and anxiety. You might even find it hard to identify what you want because you’re so focused on making sure others are satisfied. (Taking a moment to focus on your own needs can really change how you interact with others.)

The Costs of People-Pleasing

Assuming you’re always putting others first can really take a toll on you. While it may feel nice for a moment, the weight of constantly worrying about what everyone thinks can leave you stressed and anxious. Over time, this behavior can chip away at your self-worth, making you feel like you’re never enough. You end up running on empty, trying to please everyone while ignoring your own needs. It’s like being stuck on a hamster wheel—you just keep going without getting anywhere that matters.

Emotional Impact

Behind every smile you wear for others, there’s often a hidden wave of stress and anxiety. Constantly seeking approval can make you feel like you’re on edge, leaving little room for your own feelings. You may even find yourself second-guessing your worth and happiness, which isn’t fair to you. Your emotional health deserves as much attention as everyone else’s—after all, you’re in this too!

Relationship Dynamics

To keep pleasing everyone, you might unintentionally tilt the balance in your relationships. When you’re always trying to make others happy, it can lead to resentment and make your connections feel more like a chore than a joy. You might think you’re helping, but it can create distance rather than closeness. (Know when to set your own boundaries!)

In essence, when you constantly say “yes,” even when you mean “no,” you can build up frustration in both personal and work relationships. It can turn your friendships and teamwork into something stressful instead of supportive. (Recognizing that imbalance is a big step toward healthier relationships!)

In addition, the more you ignore your own needs, the more likely it is that relationships will falter. You might feel like you have to keep giving in to maintain peace, but that’s not sustainable. When both sides can’t share their feelings openly, it’s tough to maintain genuine connections. (Consider that your happiness matters too, not just everyone else’s!)

Recognizing the Patterns

Despite wanting to be seen in a good light, many people struggle with people-pleasing without even realizing it. You might feel anxious about what others think or constantly find yourself saying yes when you really want to decline. Oliver Burkeman shares insights on this in his talk, How to Stop Wasting Your Life (ft. Oliver Burkeman). Recognizing these patterns is the first step to breaking free and reclaiming your time and energy.

Self-Reflection Techniques

About getting to know yourself better can be super helpful in spotting your people-pleasing habits. Try keeping a journal where you jot down your feelings, particularly after social events or interactions. Ask yourself questions like, “Did I say yes out of obligation?” or “How did I feel when I worried about disappointing others?” You might also set aside time for quiet thinking, which can help you notice your triggers better. It’s like shining a flashlight into the shadowy corners of your mind!

External Feedback

Feedback from friends and family can really open your eyes to how you come across to others. You might not realize it, but they can help you see your habits in a new light. Honest conversations can give you clearer insights about your behavior and its impact. (Deciding to openly seek feedback could transform your approach to relationships.)

To dig deeper, don’t be afraid to ask trusted people in your life how they perceive you and your actions. They might tell you things that surprise you, like how your need to please them can sometimes stress them out. If you keep your ears open, you can learn what you might want to change about your interactions to keep things balanced. (Choosing to invite feedback could really reshape your connections with others.)

Strategies for Overcoming People-Pleasing

All it takes is a bit of practice to break free from the habits of people-pleasing. You can start by setting clearly defined goals for yourself, making a conscious effort to prioritize your needs, and recognizing that it’s okay to say “no” sometimes. It’s a journey, but with each small step, you’ll find more freedom in your choices and less anxiety about others’ feelings. (Deciding to put yourself first can lead to a happier, more fulfilling life.)

Building Assertiveness

Against all the doubt in your head, it’s super important to build assertiveness in your life. Start by using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs clearly, like saying, “I need some quiet time.” Practice saying “no” with confidence—try it out in front of a mirror or with a friend! You can also set boundaries by communicating what’s acceptable for you. (Taking the time to practice assertiveness can change how you interact with others.)

Embracing Discomfort

Even when it feels uncomfortable, learning to say “no” is key to your personal peace. It’s tough to let someone down or not meet every expectation, but remember—it’s about balancing your own well-being. Every time you say “no,” you’re making room for what truly matters to you. (Embracing that discomfort can lead to more honest and fulfilling relationships.)

About embracing discomfort, remember that it’s perfectly normal to feel a bit anxious when disappointing others. Everyone has their challenges, and letting go of the need to manage others’ feelings is part of stepping into your power. Trust that by valuing your choices, you’ll ultimately build healthier connections. (You deserve the freedom to prioritize your needs without feeling guilty.)

Even when you feel the pressure to make others happy, know that it’s okay to take a step back. You’ve got the right to establish your boundaries and seek the peace you deserve. At Your Career Place, we believe that embracing your true self, even amid discomfort, is important for a balanced and fulfilling life.

Shifting Mindsets

Once again, it’s about changing the way you think. You can start to shift your mindset away from trying to please everyone to focusing on what truly matters to you. Think of it like upgrading from a basic cell phone to the latest smartphone—suddenly, you have all these cool features! Focus on your own feelings and goals instead. Realizing that you can’t control how others feel can be liberating. After all, your happiness shouldn’t depend on someone else’s approval!

Cultivating Self-Compassion

Around you, it’s easy to find friends who might feel the same way you do—constantly worried about what others think. But self-compassion is like a warm blanket, helping you accept yourself. Instead of beating yourself up for not being perfect, try treating yourself like a good friend. Acknowledge that everyone messes up and that it’s okay! This shift can replace your people-pleasing habits with a genuine sense of self-acceptance that makes you feel stronger and more confident.

Redefining Success

Self-Compassion means you’re not just chasing after trophies and praise from others. You can think about success differently, based on what feels authentic to you instead of what looks good on paper. Start focusing on things that fulfill you, like pursuing a hobby or learning something new. (Deciding what you want out of life is a game-changer.) When you measure success by how happy and content you feel, life becomes a lot more enjoyable. Why chase approval when you can embrace authentic happiness instead?

For instance, think about a time when just getting a good grade or a compliment made you feel on top of the world. But then, there are those times when you win a game or master a new skill and realize the real victory is how much fun you had along the way. (Prioritizing the journey over the trophy can lead to deeper fulfillment.) What you find rewarding and fulfilling doesn’t have to come from others recognizing your effort; it can just be about what feels right for you! At Your Career Place, we encourage you to connect with what truly matters to you because that’s where your real success story begins.

Unlocking Freedom: Oliver Burkeman’s Insights on Overcoming People-Pleasing Habits

So, if you want to break free from worrying about what everyone thinks, you’ve got to realize that their feelings are their own business, not yours. Oliver Burkeman teaches us that you can’t control how others feel, and trying to do so just wears you out. Instead, focus on what makes you happy and what you value. Embrace the idea that it’s okay for people to handle their own emotions while you live your life. At Your Career Place, we believe this mindset can help you unlock a more fulfilling future. Here are some related articles from your friends at Your Career Place.

https://yourcareerplace.com/leadership/use-these-three-words-regularly/